Grin and Bear It

My mind has been reeling these days. The words of the Teresas fill my heart and soul. Sometimes I find myself with a great deal to say, but no way to dedicate time to sit and write. Sometimes I cannot find the words at all, but I sit in amazement at the stirrings I feel taking place in my soul, wondering where it might all lead.

I continue to make my way though Story of a Soul, but I am still in St. Therese's early day, and while interesting, it is not necessarily leaving me with a great deal to ponder.
Instead, I find my mind's eye is constantly returning to the idea of fields of flowers.

• I wonder - a flower cannot see itself.
•  Does it know if it is a rose or a flowering clover (a weed)?
• What if you think you are a rose or camellia, but you are just a plain ol' buttercup?

I guess the point is that the buttercup does not long to be a rose, but is content to be what it is. But it is so hard to know -  maybe that is not the point. We may never know if we are a rose, a bluebonnet, or a thistle - we must just be content to allow God to work in our lives as we are. 
I ran across this interesting article as I looked up the names of some flowering weeds. It talks a little about how even flowering weeds are beneficial to birds, bees, and butterflies. Destroying them because they are weeds may have an adverse effect on insect life. Even the weed can have its place. Comforting, no?

It can be so hard to know when to accept - what is the will of God - and when to fight. I mean, what if you are a rose, but you try to be a dandelion?
To put it in human terms - what if you are pursuing  a dream, and you find doors closed, but you still want to pursue that dream? Which one is The Will of God - the closed doors or the desire to continue?
I suppose that is what "discernment" is all about. But why does it have to be so difficult?

I have been trying very hard to put into practice that which I am learning. I have tried to offer all I am doing - especially that which I do not want to do - to God, for love of Him and for love of my family.

I mean - I really hate to cook. At the end of the day, after homeschooling and running errands and cleaning and stuff - the last thing I want to do is spend an hour creating a meal that will take my 5 men 10 minutes to plow through, then face the clean-up.
Even worse than that - the trip to the grocery store. A whole hour buying food that will only last a few days, and the cost - my Lord! The cost! Ugh.
I went to the grocery store yesterday, and I asked St. Therese to pray for me to not complain, at least not as much as I normally do. I went, returned home, and tried to smile at the kids the whole time we put groceries away. I even began preparing the evening meal after we had everything put away. It took a lot of prayer, I tell you! I was trying so hard to "grin and bear it".

Small things - ALL things - in love, for love.

St. Therese said - "I understood, too, there were many degrees of perfection and each soul was free to respond to the advances of Our Lord, to do little or much for Him, in a word, to choose among the sacrifices He was asking."

See? I do not have to choose to take on the grocery shopping as a sacrifice. There are many times it is simply my job, and I do it, albeit grudgingly. There are times I offer it as a sacrifice of Love for my family and to God.
Frankly, either way, the shopping gets done. It does not change that fact.
The difference is interior - the value it has. It can either have no value, a practical value, or it can be a proclamation of love to my family, and this be both practical and active - actively shaping my interior heart to be more ordered to show love. Love begets love. If I decide to withhold it, my work as a mother and teacher becomes exactly that - work. If I declare it to be a sacrifice, or better yet - an offering - it retains all the sameness of form but is in itself transformed into an act of the will, love that blooms and drops seeds that will (hopefully) become more acts of love.
(Even the case of stopping my train of thought in the middle of it getting going to admire the awesome Lego creation the three-year-old just made.)

Blessed Mother Teresa said:
"One thing Jesus asks of me: that I lean on him; that in him and only in him I put complete trust; that I surrender myself unreservedly. Even when all goes wrong and I feel as if I am a ship without a compass, I must give myself completely to him. I must not attempt to control God's action; I must not count the stages in the journey he would have me make. I must not desire a clear perception of my advance upon the road, must not know precisely where I am upon the way of holiness. I ask him to make a saint of me, yet I must leave to him the choices of the saintliness itself and still more the means which lead to it." (Total Surrender, "Our Response".

I must leave to Him the choice of where I am a rose or a dandelion. I must leave it to Him if holiness is to come to me in the form of fame, fortune, and success or if my path to holiness consists of small things, small acts of obedience that no one sees or appreciates or even cares about.

This is a hard lesson.

The Rose, the Lily, and the Dandelion

"Our Lord is occupied particularly with each soul as though there were no others like it." - (Story of a Soul)

So says St. Therese.

But it can be so hard to really believe.

I know God loves me, but does He like me? Does He....like-like me?

As I am reading St. Therese's memories of her early childhood, it becomes apparent to me, as she herself says, "God was pleased all through (her) life to surround (her) with love." Her whole early childhood seems bathed in a rosy glow of financial stability, spiritual giftedness, and the benefit of being the youngest girl of a family given to express affection.
Part of me wonders at all that! Why did she receive so much? It seems like it would not be incredibly hard to be good when your life is so full of wholesome love. There is that part of me - that shy-girl part - that cries - "unfair"!

God makes clear He loves and like-likes His little Therese.

Not everyone gets that kind of start to life. Why?
Even St. Therese ponders this - "I wondered for a long time why God has preferences, why all souls don't receive an equal amount of graces."

Therese goes on to make the beautiful analogy of the flowers - how God answered her queries with a nature lesson. There are many, many types of flowers in the world, from the beautiful rose to the humble, small wildflower in a field. The fragrance of the lily and the fact it will adorn altars all over during Easter take away nothing from the beauty of the  wildflowers growing hidden in a field. If all flowers were roses or lilies, nature would be less than it was meant to be.
 Have you ever stumbled upon a patch of flowers, hidden behind some bushes, or tucked away out of plain sight? The suddenness of seeing color where none was expected can take your breath away. Even if they turn out to be just flowering weeds - they shine forth in their beauty. But what if no one ever sees them? Does that lessen their beauty? (Kind of like "If a tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?")
All flowers, even the most humble, hidden wildflower, add to what "nature" is meant to be.Every flower is meant to bloom and grow, as each one is, according to its nature.

So, too, all souls are meant to glorify God, according to whatever life He gives them to live. Some will have the privilege of good upbringing, good teaching, and tractable spirits, and can follow the path of faith much more easily than others, who are brought into a harsh world, and are given little to go on.

I can understand this, at least to a degree. I was given a deep love of Scripture from an early age. I devoured The Picture Bible - the cool one by Iva Hoth, not the boring black-and-white Catholic Picture Bible.

Awesomeness, Scripture-style!

As a child, I loved my "Bible Trivia" game, but could never find anyone to play with me. I was fascinated by my saint books. I hungered for more, spiritually. I have been blessed through my lifetime to have had instructions in faith by amazing people - from Mr. Williams, who was my Confirmation instructor, to the many examples of faith of the men and women in the Catholic community I was raised in (although there were many faults in this community, and many hurts, as well), to my college instruction from Dr. Scott Hahn, Dr. Regis Martin, Rita Marker, and Dr. John Croby, to my post-graduate studies with Fr. Francis Martin, Msg. Albacete, and Dr. William May (just to name a few)..
I mean - after all I have been given, spiritually speaking, I have no excuse to be spiritually lazy. I was given an abundance of gifts, and it becomes my duty to figure out how to pass on all I have received.

One of the ways Mother Teresa always impressed me was, she never seemed fazed by anyone - world dignitary, prostitute, volunteer, pop star,  pope, or child - she approached each person with such simplicity. They were who they were, and were respected as such. Each person was able to come to God, as they were.

I leave you with this thought from Mother Teresa, from Love: A Fruit Always in Season.
'Often you see small and big wires, new and old, cheap and expensive electric cables up - they alone are useless and until the current passes through them there will be no light. The wire is you and me. The current is God. We have the power to let the current pass through us and use us to produce the light of the world or we can refuse to be used and allow the darkness to spread. My prayer is with each of you and I pray that each one of you will be holy, and so spread God's love, everywhere you go."